Slow Torture
by khloride
Summary: A perspective questioning why she did it. Rachel's thoughts right before her final act.


Inspiration for this piece:

"It's not a sacrifice to renounce the unwanted. It is not a sacrifice to give your life for others, if death is your personal desire. To achieve the virtue of sacrifice, you must want to live, you must love it, you must burn with passion for this Earth and for all the splendor it can give you – you must feel the twist of every knife as it slashes your desires away from your reach and drains your love out of your body. It is not mere death that the morality of sacrifice holds out to you as an ideal, but death by slow torture." –Francisco D'Anconia, _Atlas Shrugged._

* * *

Maybe one day, they will ask, why did she do it?

They probably wouldn't even ask one day, they would probably start asking even before the act was complete. But others would ask later. The question would continue for who knows how long. Maybe one day even later, the history books will cut the summary so short that the question won't even be asked because its importance will have been so greatly reduced. But until then, they will most definitely ask, why did she do it?

Perhaps they will think it was for glory, because it was her duty, because she knew it was the only way. Perhaps others, those that actually knew her nature, they will think it was because she loved the fight, which she just couldn't get enough of it and that was the only way for her to go.

I mean, who could imagine a beauty such as Rachel growing old? Her blond hair darkening from the years and sun to a light brown or some sort of reddish. No matter the splendor of her golden hair now, the truth is genetic. Blond hair doesn't last.

The soft smooth perfection that is her lightly tanned skin won't either. Sure, the magical properties of morphing will delay the damage of the sun and other harsh things, but eventually, it will wrinkle and, dare I say it, sag! The horror! No amount of fantastically matching clothes can cover up a hideously old body underneath. And let's not even mention the creaking in the joints due to the extensive use they've endured from years of hard use from gymnastics and other physical hardships that young people put themselves through. Good God, save her from Father Time!

And yet, that fierce ferocity in her icy blue eyes would never fade. Only Tobias's raptor eyes could match such a glare. But I don't know if you could even call that natural. Even when he was in human form, the glare remained, but it was much more passive, like it was a permanent expression, not a feeling. Those that knew her will say that there was more than just expression behind those eyes.

I am told that feeling could be heard in her voice, too. She had confident certainty that her actions were exact. You could see a loyalty to herself and that which she had taken into herself. Whatever she deemed worthy of doing, it would be done to the best of her ability, as if it were her last act. And if you knew how her life played out, many of her acts she viewed to potentially be her last, because, at the time, they most certainly could have been her last.

But at one point, she became aware of what exactly would be her last act. And this brings back our original question. Why did she do it?

There is only one person who can answer that. I'm not even sure she could tell you the full answer to that question. The reason being is that she doesn't fully know herself. How do I know this? Maybe I should stop talking in the third person.

I have no answer. There is no single reason, only a multitude of events that led up to my ultimate decision.

Glory? Bah, what is the use of glory when you are not there to enjoy basking in its light? What need do I have for glory? They have always said I have my own personal spotlight. It is warm enough. I do not need the gratification of others. I have always been too independent for that anyway.

Duty? HA. Duty to whom? Duty to your country? A country is simply imaginary lines drawn on a map by some old men of the past. Screw the old men of the past. They may have wept for the future, but I cry over the past. What use are tears at this stage anyway? As for duty to your race or species, that can't mean much because we aren't even all of the same species. So if you really must know, just ask Jake over there what duty means.

What was left for me? My family already broken years before offered no comfort. Those that had been through the same roller-coaster ride as me offered no comfort.

I was betrayed. How could she do what she had done? No one knew her anymore, especially not me. Everyone felt she was always the most predictable, second only to me. But no, she'd done the unthinkable. How? How could she do this to us? How could she not see what exactly she was doing to us? To me? I would pay the price. For her traitorous act, I would save her. She would try to forgive me. And I would not be there to tell her that it was not necessary. It will be forever branded to the back of her eyes that it was she who did it. The one I was supposed to trust the most. The punishment for betrayal is worse than death.

He was lost. He faced the same betrayal as I. While my reaction was to be expected, I don't think anyone really expected his to be quite so brutal and cold. But I understood. He and I, we had never been close. But we were drawn together along with the others. I find it odd when I see the string that ties us together is actually a rope. He would give me a blank look and I could read it though there were no words. We had an understanding. But when he gave me _that_ look, I knew. The price I would pay was a fraction of his. When I returned his look, he knew. And though he had never been more certain in his life, it was his loss.

He grew distant. Or perhaps it was I that had neglected him. We had an unspoken agreement. But at some point, our game had ended. Maybe I missed the queues, but I felt like I was the one waiting. They never seemed to come. Maybe he simply feared me. When he was in the mood, all he ever seemed to talk about was how uncontrollable I was. For him, he was right, but, oh, how little he knew. Or maybe that was all an act, just like my so-called lack of fear. Because it always seemed like he just had other things to do. He seemed to have everything he'd ever wanted. _His_ life was complete here. So I had fallen to the wayside. He neglected our banter.

Near the end, the anger really was hate. He and I never really talked, never had any connection. We were probably the least close in the group. The matter of trust for the most part was there in battle. But at the table, how can I respect someone with no opinion of his own? He was a hypocrite. He called us a primitive, backwards species, but it was he who was the most foolish. Maybe it is that we have a vicious nature, but man has a long history of fighting his brothers, so we learned to accept what brothers as we may. They knew nothing of that. They focused solely on species. Could he not recognize the connection between us all? Why was he so eager to throw it all away? They showed him no love while we offered our hand every day. His uncertainty clashed too greatly with my resolution. He was my only ally that held my anger.

I only asked him once, so I was only denied once. But there were times when I looked at him, and he knew what my soul was asking, but the answer I received was always no. He constantly wondered why he hadn't received what he wanted, but I wondered, didn't he? Was he not granted the _one_ thing he wanted the most? No more, no less. It was something even I could not do. I could not ask him to deny the actual best thing in his life. I would not live in denial. I saw what he wanted. It was he who was in denial. He refused to see that he had indeed been given exactly what he'd asked for. Why should he lie? Because he was in denial. How do we help those in denial? We shove the curtain from their eyes and show them the truth. But even then, they could still turn away and delve deeper into the hole they had created for themselves.

So, why did I do it? I guess the answer is actually very simple. Where else was I to turn?

Betrayal, loss, neglect, anger, denial; I was surrounded by elements I could not live with. They would have driven me to self-destruction. What would be the point of that? Even now, after all that I've been through, everything must have a purpose. I still do not wish unto others that which I would not wish unto myself. That left me with only one option: to accept.

My cup was empty. There was only one thing I knew that was absolute that could fill it, blood. The blood of my enemies would be mixed in with my own. It would create a harmony the likes I'd never seen, and I would be satisfied.


End file.
